One-Sided African Romances

Hey my fellow muzungu women! Are you feeling low on self esteem? I have a suggestion for you: come to Uganda where all the boys will love you. Especially if you happen to have blonde hair and blue eyes. Apparently I am the most charming thing this country has seen forever. Which leads us to the topic of today’s blog: all the Ugandan men who have fallen in love with Stefanie. Please note: this is not a comprehensive list, this is only the ones who have stories attached to them.

Malik: Malik works with us at the clinic. He is freaking adorable because he is so quiet and shy. Plus he is Muslim and I like that I am now friends with a Muslim. Now, if any crazy radical racist people try to get in an argument with me about Islamic people being terrorists, I can say “I have friends that practice Islam and they are intelligent, kind, reasonable people who love peace and stuff.” One day Mark was talking to him on the phone and at the end of the conversation Malik said, “tell the girls hello… especially Stefanie.” Hahahahahaha I have no idea where that came from, but I was flattered. I think it’s because he is from Kenya and therefore speaks Swahili and one day I sang a song to him in Swahili that I learned in 9th grade. Apparently it was very impressive because he has since offered to buy me things and constantly talks about coming to visit me in America. He also texts me all the time to ask how I am doing, which is awesomely awkward considering the fact that we all share a phone.

Davis: Davis is the best friend of Josh who works the front desk at Keba Inn. I met Davis for the first time when I went clubbing on Wednesday, but apparently I make a good first impression because he was deeply in love with me by the end of the night. He told me so several times. I’m pretty sure he was sober too. At least, I hope he was because I was able to use my womanly charm to get him to drive us home so I didn’t have to pay for a taxi. I first made him take all the drunk driving tests and he swore on his love for me that he had not consumed a drop of alcohol all night. I had to keep reminding him that I had a boyfriend and therefore was not going to kiss him, but other than that he was a good guy. In order to try to entice me to change my mind about the kissing situation, he kept telling me about his super awesome job in the Ugandan government. I’m pretty sure a lot of it was lies to impress me (like when, for example, he said that he could set up a time for me to meet the president) but I fully intend on using him to set up some tour of the Ugandan Parliament or something.

Derick: I met Derick at a wedding. We spoke for literally 10 minutes until he invited me home to meet his family. FYI, meeting the family is a big deal in Uganda. He is going to medical school in Canada, and intends to go to Disneyland with me at some point. Yeah, ok. However, there is something very attractive about Derick, that being that he has a car. Now, those of you who know me (which is hopefully all of you. If not, get off my blog) know that I am not a car person AT ALL, but after two months of riding on taxis, I am willing to be friends with ANYONE who is willing to drive me around. I am currently working on him to drive me to the equator this weekend. I will let you know how that goes.

Habib: This is not his real name, he just owns the store called The Habib Store, so we call him Habib. At the Habib store, water costs 1500 shillings. Unless you happen to be a blonde muzungu, in which case water is only 1000 shillings. Everyone in the group has me buy water for them.

Akim: This is the boy whose lap I sat on at the soccer (football) game. He immediately asked me for my phone number (as everyone does). Usually I tell them I don’t have a phone (almost true) but that day he was so nice to me that I didn’t want to crush his heart immediately. So instead I tried to give him the number of the phone that Tyler had just lost. Unfortunately I am an idiot and actually gave him the number to my phone. He called me approximately 70 times in the next three days.

The list could go on. Guys stop me regularly asking to take a picture with me and I always oblige. It’s like having my own little paparazzi and I have to enjoy it while it lasts. When I speak luganda, people lose their minds. It’s like having a blonde girl speak Luganda is the most amazing thing that has ever happened. I have become the one in the group that always has to ask people questions or something because chances are I will get a better answer than anyone else in the group.
Seriously, I am not trying anything special here. Quite the opposite actually. My hair is in DESPERATE need of a cut and color and I haven’t seen a flat iron in months. But, for whatever reason, the African men just love the muzungus. I invite all girls everywhere to test out my experience and see for yourself. It really is quite amusing.